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ewitsmegan

The writers weren't kidding about how all good things must end.
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[22 Mar 2008|04:08pm]
Sometimes I wonder if I compared correctly a long time ago. Cause I did and meant every part of it and dang, it tured out to be true right? I mean this isn't in spite of anyone, so don't think or complain that it is. This is me ranting my feelings cause I don't talk to anyone about it except for myself really. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think at least once or was reminded once about it. But really? Who keeps a best friend their whole life? I don't mean a hang out once every few weeks. That's not a best friend. They're like bikes, yes you grow not out but away from them. Maybe if something was said directly to me this would of never happened in the first place. The only time something was said was when I started something and I was told I did this or did that wrong. I gained new friends and enjoyed freedom. I don't even know where i'm going with this. I'm just pretty angry and bitter. I mean, I made new friends and thought our freindship was amazing and we didn't need that much effort put into it cause we never really did. I wasn't forgetting about you or replacing you or pushing you away. Making new friends isn't easy. For either. And if you're looking for love cause you think that's the one thing that will make you happy is a boy. Hah, you're in for a rude awakening. I love Kevin to death and extremely happy being with him. But nothing compares to the love, comfort and security your best friend gave you. I mean, I have everything to make me happy but this whole thing just fucks with me too much and I'm not going to pretend. I'm not going to pretend to be friends. I'm not going to even notice you ever because that's what you want and that's a goodbye. So that's what you get I suppose.


I'm kind of hoping this getting my room done helps me. Being in a new, different and refreshed relaxing place. Clear my mind please.


Keepin in positive now.
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[21 Mar 2008|08:44am]
I feel like a huge block is lifted of my back. I r done.


I'm painting my room. I scraped the ceiling off and retextured it. It's going to be a nice place to relax and people to come hang out in.

Short and sad update. English class please.
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[30 Jan 2008|08:35pm]
Blah blah blah blah blah.


No one every updates this anymore. I hate money.

The end.
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[01 Jan 2008|02:28pm]
So this is to the New Year. I was very bummed I couldn't spend it with my best friends, but I love you and 2008 shall be amazingggg.

Short and simple. No writing down goals. Just going with it :)
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[27 Nov 2007|12:41pm]
I guess you don't ever really know people fully. This was bound to happen. I've been holding onto nothing with all of this and sticking around walking on tiptoes for everyone in fear for them dropping my friendship over lame excuses. If that is how anyone feels with me right now? Just don't ever talk to me again. As for the people who know who they are...I really feel we're better off not being close friends. It's not worth the hassle and the fighting over stupi shit and I am really over it as I have said many times. You guys honestly showed you're true colors and I guess I showed mine and I am the shitty friend. Just do me a favor and don't talk to me ever.
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[17 Nov 2007|02:16pm]
I feel as if all that i need in my life is to have my parents together again and back to normal. I wish this would somehow happen. I'm not even kidding. It's quite pathetic.... I don't want to be judged on something that was out of my hands....
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[17 Oct 2007|08:49pm]
I hate these little spurts where I get in the mood and have to question anything and everything and second guess anything and everyone I learned to trust. I was in the wierdest mood last night after I drove in that tunnel. As I was driving back by old navy I noticed a guy had falled off his motorcycle and everyone from paramedics to padestrians were crowded around and as I look the boy resembled my brother Brian to a T, at least from what I could see. Same height, hair color, skin color weight. No joke. I didn't know what color Brians bike was so I quickly stopped and asked my mom. She said she didn't know but would try to call and asked why but I had to hold back tears because I know he is a dumb driver and drives by there all the time. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I would think that but I did and it got me pretty upset. I'm sick of the whole word "weak" in general to the point I never want to hear it ever again in my life. If I do i'm going to simply flip. Anyone who uses that in thier vocab day to day has to be pretty damn insecure and weak themselves. This goosebumps movie is scary as shit....knombs alive...omg. I don't know. Once again I have dug myself in a hole and now I have to rely on myself to dig myself out. Heh.

Whatev. You go into this world alone and leave it alone I suppose.
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[06 Oct 2007|11:17am]
I just realized that i have not update in my livejournal for OVER a month? Wowz.



Um


Update?



IT'S HALLOWEEEEEN TIME BITCHHHHHH.



fun fun fun fun fun yes.



Steph lets build the shit dummy this year lol.
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[05 Sep 2007|10:33pm]
I just can't deal

I'm going to keep the optimism where i need it the most.


Monday night I was about to quit princess the next day and just say to hell with it, i'll deal with Target til I go to Musicians Institute. Then realizing that would make me the wimpiest weakest person ever afraid of change, I just kept my head up and told myseld I could do it the whole time I was attempting to fall asleep. Safe to say the past few days have been challenging but invigorationg and I am proud of myself thus far for achieving some goals such as possibly starting my career off. I haven't been going to the gym every night after but I also don't want to wear myself out totally right now. One small step at a time. One at a time.

I plan on getting stuff for my room and finally finishing it. Then maybe my comfort level will finally be at its fullest here and the thought of me moving out on my own won't cross my mind so much because I will like where I am at in my current state. I haven't been hanging out with Rob that much. I miss seeing him almost every waking moment of my free time, but I think it is for the best we spend some time apart. It doesn't bother me that much that I don't see or talk to him for a few days a sure hint I am over it.

I am going to now attempt to watch the number 23 which i tried to watch last night, but ...fell asleep.


I am kind of bummed that I didn't hang out with Clay today. I thought I had the day off but had to text him saying I didn't and couldn't go see Halloween. I feel bad. I don't want him to give up on trying to hang out or see me because I bail or "flake" all the time. I just honestly thought that I had Target off. But, he went to Disneyland anyways. Heh, I wish I went there. Whatev. I don't know how I feel about the whole situtation anymore. Whether or not I want to attempt to get to know him closely or keep it pure hang out level. Thus far I haven't really had any deep meaningful conversations with him...which I need. But we'll see where it ends up going. I hope to a good place.
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[29 Aug 2007|07:39pm]
I don't think I've ever felt so hurt and betrayed in my entire life. Well, I did, but didn't think it would happen so many times. How could you say I am the one making you ill? You know, that's great. I don't want to be here anymore. To think someone could think so little of you...heh. Today just hasn't been my day dood. I should be heading up to palmdale right now...but now I am really just not into it. I've worked for 12 hours straight to wake up and work for 9 hours straight to come home to a mom that says she can't handle my mess of two dishes of a plate and a cup in the sink. That I am making her ill. I am the cause of her depression. Somehow everything will always get turned on me. God I love to be alive..heh. To be bailed on by someone I thought I was getting to know that I could never do it to him. To let someone I considered a best friend til this moment. Who for the past year I've let in on every aspect of my life. I drove him places, I've paid for stuff, I introduced him to my whole family and made sure he felt comfortable and wanted, I told him everything. I made sure he was apart of everything I was capable of. Music, friends, family, work and goals. I have nothing to show from it from his side. On a second thought I think I need to go to the show. I just don't know anymore dood. What am I doing? Where am I going? Cause I am not anywhere I want to be. Not even close.

[26 Aug 2007|09:30pm]
I don't even know anymore. He frustrates me so much. So i'll out and say it, yeah I LIKED him. Only my head now tells me Megan you're fucking stupid, you're over it, but I end up feeling the same thing inside and then the one good thing overlooks the five bad things and that's good enough for me for awhile I guess. Til the next thing happens. This shit has been driving me insane for so long and I have sort of told everyone but sort of haven't. If he tries to tell me one thing about him and Devon I am simply going to say "i hope you had fun and did what you wanted but I don't want to hear about it, sorry." And I won't feel the least bit bad about saying it. I am starting to care more about my feelings now. I just need to do the full monty on how I let people talk to me/treat me. I just need to not be around him so much, and it's that simple. I know when I occupy my time with someone I like to be around I am happy not thinking or wanting to be with him. What is so great about him anyways? Nothing...exactly. For him to say, gemnis tend to use taurus...that is true, and I knew it when he said it that that's what he's doing. Blah blah blah, it sucks. That's all. I hope you get and std from devon because she probably isn't even really a virgin. I don't know. And don't tell me not to tell anyone and you fucking blurt it to the male population on how you made out with her at target. I'm sureeee she appreciates that.


Work. I closed today with Patrick and Phillip. Phillip is a nice guy. But he is a fake nice guy. You don't have to be polite 24:7 and especially with those you work with. You simply ask something to be done because it is your job and it needs to be done. Hey Chris and Dawn. Don't fucking leave me alone with two new guys. You are the ones that said you were training them and to not listen to me or jess or amber. But you leave me for the whole night with them? Phillip simply disregards anything I tell him to do. If i say fucking stay on the register in not an asshoel way. Fucking stay on the register. Don't be an arrogant asshole and be "well I was making drinks while you were back there." Well sorry, I would like to take a fucking break and I don't care then. "you just don't want me to make drinks." No I fucking want you to learn how to write the god for saken cups. When you are still writing cf for a caramel frap instead of the crf, then you don't belong making drinks. That's the easiest shit to learn but you are so stubborn. And then you go on about patrick trying to be cool and hanging out with the cool kids. I'm not talking shit about him to you. Gosh, I am so angry today. I have been for the past few days. Oh and then Dawn, don't aplogize for leaving me alone because it could have easily been fixed with you or chris closing for once on a weekend. I don't fucking care anymore. It's going to be soo nice not being there everyday of my life. Thank God. I am however really nervous for tomorrow but I need to force myself to be confident.

I'm just going to start going to the gym every night again. I was happy when I was doing that. Not particularly with everyone but with myself. I should have gone tonight but thought i would lay back and relax for tomorrow instead. So I am doing this post.


I don't know. Why can't people just be themselves around me? I hear different stories from every end of my friends. We can't all just be ourselves. I feel like some are this wild crazy person but held back around me afraid of what I think of them. Yeah, I do judge my friends in some way but only because I want the ones I know I can TRUST to the fullest. I have friends not aquaintences and I did this throughout highschool and I know that is how I work. I can't be friends with someone I can't tell everything to. But know if you're in my life right now you are doing something right. Don't be two faced and don't be this and do that around everyone except me. It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person. I don't care if you smoke. I'll be a little upset because I care about your health and that's it. I'm just like a mom. I am so uptight and and straight edge and all this for myself and not for anyone else. It's my choice not do it, not my choice to tell you to not or stop doing it. I honestly hold none of that shit against you whatsoever. I just don't like being lied to. My own family has lied to me about everything and I think that is why I get so upset when my other family, my friends, lie. I don't need that.

On another note, I have lost my train of thought. What else can I talk about?

I haven't talked to clay in a few days. I don't know, he seemed a little not so into it when I last hung out with him and dragged Rob along. I knew it was a bad idea. I could tell cause normally he gives good hugs the long ones where you can tell he cares to hug you. The one he gave...not so much. Kind of bummed. I wish I could break the ice and find stuff we really enjoy and get along with but he still does drink the past few times I've hung out with him. Once again...I don't knowwwwww.


I enjoyed spending my day with my mom, sister and the girls yesterday. I think I am babysitting them tomorrow night as well. I love my family no matter what.

Umm, I get payed thursday and then I can pay steph back I think. Or at least a little bit cause I have car insurance and the cell phone bill. She got a bomb ass car...it has a car phone! Best part :) haha. I just think it's cool. I need to get my oil changed in mine.


Blah blah blah.

Yeah, I think that's it. My life in a nutshell the past few weeks. Hope you all enjoy.
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[04 Aug 2007|10:48am]
50 more days til I move out.

I start training for princess cruises on the 27th. 8:30 to 5:30 monday through friday. Then I'll be closing at Starbucks and working on weekends at Starbucks for 8 hours.

Moving in to Ambers apartment with Cassie. I'm stoked.

Fight Everyone show at the Cobalt with Rob tonight. Should be good times. Work 12-5. Sadly.

Stacy comes back from San Fran soon.

Things are looking up. Just got to be happy. Think positive.

Brandon taught me the word "snatch" aha.
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[30 Jul 2007|01:14am]
Hi. Everything is gay. That is all.
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[27 Jul 2007|07:43pm]
I'm begining to lose faith in just about everyone I know and in that trying to recover every ounce in myself for my stupidity.



Heh. Socially and mentally detached from just about everyone, even the people I thought I was closest with. Everything is just a big joke. Especially me. Guess I'll learn one of these days.

[12 Jul 2007|07:07pm]
I don't like when I'm like this either. You aren't the only one.


Alot of thinking alot of regretting.
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[14 Jun 2007|11:07pm]
The past couple of days have been nothing but over emotional ups and downs. Why all of it is happening and when I am at my highest emotional peak, is beyond me.


Everyone I come in contact with everyday is pretty much my family. Even my co-workers Jess and Cassie I consider really good friends now. I know my mother has never been totally emotionally stable throughout my whole life but she was fine for a long time after the divorce happened. Sunday I had work most of the day and I admit I rarely ever see her but I came home to find her up at 11 or so and night. Now, knowing my mother and her 8 curfew and work the next day it sparked a worry in the back of my mind. The next morning waking up and seeing her car parked outside reassured me that I wasn't just over reacting. She said she just "didn't feel good." Hey, I say the same thing. I left her alone for that day and the next day the same thing happened. Calling out of work and lying in bed all day I didn't know what to do or think. I admit it got me totally upset and I freaked out at work and thank God cassie and jess were there otherwise I would have just up and left. I tried to call my father in which he wouldn't answer his phone in which it got me more upset that he wasn't there when I NEEDED him for once. Called my brother, no answer. Go figure. Called my sister, mom wasn't answering the phone. So that was my snapping point and I went to the car and I don't know why but for some reason someone always walks up on me crying and it was cassies boyfriend Adam. I tried to play it of as if I yawned but I'm pretty sure it didn't work and I feel really bad because it was probably really awkward. But I didn't know what to do. I came home later that day and pretty much gave her the cold shoulder because she never realizes how much all of us do care about her and she wondered why I was not talking. Well, it's nice to know how blind you are to how you affect people. It affected me at work and in front of people and it takes alot for me to breakdown in front of people.

Come to figure out my father wasn't answering the phone because Mary had to be taken to the hospital. The cancer has spread to her intestines and she can't eat anything which is causing her to lose alot of weight. They are flushing her out right now and are going in to remove anything they can tomorrow but there is an 85 percent chance she won't make it. My dad asked Sherie to come and noterize her wil. After everything that she has caused and is still causing for me I do have a heart. I don't want her to die and I am somewhat attatched to her knowing I guess my dad is kind of. I guess I don't want my dad to feel the same lonliness I did and do now that he's gone. Same for my mom. I can't do anything right without feeling like I'm betraying one of my parents. So what do I do? I wish I just didn't live here somtimes so I didn't have to make these decisions and deal with it on a day to day basis still. I had a long talk with Rob the other night cause I was still super upset and it came out that I wish my parents would just get back together. I haven't admitted that to anyone and the reason is because of what everyone would say. He'll do it again. Heh, go figure. Oh well, I just want my secure life back. I have no security anymore and I find myself thinking of random stuff that upsets me for some weird reason. Not having the male figure to protect you anymore. Kind of like when I think of an earthquake happening and how the parents always come to run and get you. Yeah, I think of that and how it won't be the same security as before cause my father won't be there. I don't know anymore. I need to move out, the end.

Steph 2, I'm here for you no matter what and I love you. I'm sorry you weren't there for it but Sally's hardcore tuff so she'll make it out fine :) I love you like my twin sister. Even if no one belives us anymore ;)

Stacy, I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. I'm here whenever you need to talk and I love and miss you in this town cause things aren't the same.

Steph 1, I'm sorry I haven't really been a shoulder to lean on lately and I feel really bad. I'm your friend and should be there for you to talk to and I admit I really haven't lately. But know that you can just yell at me and say you need to talk to me seriously anytime. D4TC next thursday! They have one friday too if you aren't working !


All and all, pretty fucking stressful.


And I'm starving, have cramps

and never want to throw up peanut butter cups EVER AGAIN

and I think I have a crush on the new cart attendant in a "pitty" kind of way? I don't know. I just think he's cute.
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[12 Jun 2007|12:27am]
So I woke up at 8. When I worked at one. Threw on some clothes and went for my first bike ride. I proved to myself that I really don't care or mind riding a bike in front of a million cars down bouquet to Haskel. It was nice and cool and refreshing. Went back, showered, relaxed some more and then headed over to work. I closed with Dawn and it really wasn't that bad. Talked to the new cart attendent which he is really nice. Um, went home, got ready and went to the gym and burned to 1000. Tonight was much harder then last. Maybe just cause I had alot of things on my mind. I need to call Jamba back again. Dawn told me. But Cassie got the job at party america and they asked if she knew me and if I was still interested in the job. Which she said yes. Which one should I go for more? I have no clue. I think I would have alot more fun working at jamba juice. I feel cramps coming on, i'm moody and hate and insult everyone and anything. I seriously need those birth control pills that control this shit cause I am really bad all of a sudden.

Uhhh, sleepy time now.

I really want an in n out burger :( haha
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[10 Jun 2007|01:51am]
All I can say is


don't put me down for anything I like or do


or I will lose all respectful for every single one of you


family


friends


coworkers



fuck

everyone
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[09 Jun 2007|01:54am]
That's it. Straightedge for real. I don't even care what everyone thinks of me or how lame I am for doing it. But it's me.


I can't deal drunks.
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[07 Jun 2007|12:13am]
Tonight was fun. I'm going to look at the positives which is just going to Kyles show by myself and socializing and having a good time with no one to come along.



Um

I achieved getting gas for my car today?
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